The Cheesecake Factory has opened its first branch in Beijing, thus proving: You can move to China, but you can’t escape your past.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, sorry – the Cheesecake Factory is a profoundly American experience. (And technically also Canadian, because Drake rapped about it.) But those of you who know, know. You were once North American teens dreaming of faraway lands. You celebrated your 14th birthday at the Cheesecake in your local mall. Later, you grew up and moved to China. You escaped! Only now, your past is catching up with you.
And here’s the unfortunate thing about your past: IT’S GONNA MAKE YOU FAT.
Because the Cheesecake Factory knows your taste better than you do yourself. In fact, if someone were to put a plate of chicken farfalle smothered in butter in front of you right now, you would consume 750 calories without even noticing. Don’t believe me? Explain Cheesecake Factory’s global empire! Explain its prevalence in rap lyrics! Explain the fact that Buzzfeed has published 17 listicles about it! (Take the quiz “Do You Have Trash Cheesecake Factory Opinions?” at your own peril.)
Everything at the Cheesecake Factory Beijing is exactly how it would be at a Cheesecake Factory in Pittsburgh: That is, this is no mere factory for cheesecakes. This is a fortress of upscale family dining, dangerously addictive carbohydrates and oddly baroque decor. Portions are massive. ‘Plates’ are platters, which is very American, but also, very Chinese – what in America is an absurd single serving can be translated here as ‘family style.’ Indeed, those with Chinese dining habits may be better equipped to control themselves amidst such bounty. At least, an obesity epidemic isn’t upon us here yet.
This is not Cheesecake’s first location in China – their first opened in Shanghai Disneyland (a truly masterful display of self-awareness on Cheesecake’s part). Some big dawgs from the Shanghai branch made it to Beijing for our media preview, which was very smartly organized and included a table of dishes placed there specifically for photographing purposes.
We respectfully sampled healthy salads before diving into the Bacchanalia: heavy platters of creamy pastas and steaks, followed by cheesecakes. A Cheesecake Factory classic is the Louisiana Chicken, a breaded chicken patty atop of thick noods not unlike daxiaomian in texture. But the real deal here is the cake, which you will not have room for, but will order anyway.
You can take yours to go and eat it later, if you have self control or self respect. Or you can eat your Chocolate Tuxedo Cream Cheesecake in house. Or your Coffee & Cream Chocolate Supreme Cheesecake (‘supreme’ is a peak American dessert adjective). Or your Ultimate Red Velvet Cake Cheescake (yes, that would be a ‘Cake Cheesecake’).
The Cheesecake Factory is big and terrifying, but it also feels like home. It is the restaurant we deserve. Visit with caution.
(And with Lactaid pills.)
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