Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
This December, prepare to move into a position of power. This could mean a few things, like getting your work visa approved, or fixing the plumbing in your apartment. Do not let your power corrupt you. If you feel it has, don’t dance on the 17th or 21st of the month.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
According to the stars, it’s time to relax. This may seem odd given that, according to the calendar of public holidays of the People’s Republic of China, October was that time. Whatever, relax some more –massages are cool. Just don’t go for one on a Wednesday.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
Relationship troubles are brewing and your lover may stray. If you’re not in a relationship, your bike will get stolen. Sorry, Aquarius. Try to go on a romantic date or buy a heavy padlock.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
Be wary of tricks and schemes this month. Catfishing on online dating sites, strangers at popular tourist attractions asking if you’d like to visit a teahouse – you get the idea. Don’t accept requests on WeChat’s ‘People Nearby’ function. But ‘liking’ a WeChat Moment could lead to love.
Aries
3.21-4.20
Look Aries, we know you love a spot of shot-slamming at the bar. But December is time to get serious about your (English teaching) job. The Stars advise a chiller month: stay away from bar streets. Try a speakeasy for once. And go to bed on time.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
Taurus, you’re a lucky bull this month. The Planets spell productivity and good luck for you this December, in both professional and romantic spheres, so fire up Tantan and get to work. Need to negotiate with your landlord? You got this. Oh, but avoid men with large hats.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
We hate to break it to you, Gemini, but it’s time to get back into the gym. Or, you know, do synchronized dances with the ayis in your nearby park. This month you’ll be a huge help to someone – just make sure it’s not a scam artist. Be sure to eat broccoli in the third week of the month.
Cancer
6.22-7.22
Emotional, clingy Cancer: You may be an annoying crab, but fortunately for you, hairy crab season is over. Now that you’re not getting your ovaries split and sucked on by upper-class families in upscale restaurants, this is your month to shine. Just be sure to urinate facing north.
Leo
7.23-8.23
Leos, you courageous lions, are good at two things: leadership and standing guard outside Bank of China. We don’t have to tell you to watch your finances carefully, but we advise caution this December. And keep the roars down – you’re annoying your neighbors.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
As one door closes, another opens. This month will be fraught with change, but also ripe for new beginnings. But this is December, so that ‘change’ is probably cold weather and pollution, and those ‘new beginnings’ are new seasons of television shows. Embrace both.
Libra
9.24-10.23
This month you’ll meet someone interesting, yet not altogether right for you. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. If you’re in a relationship, apply the aforementioned philosophy to noodle restaurants: Only go for the best.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
Pluto is in your celestial House of Communications. This means that Pluto wants you to improve your Chinese. And – hot tip – the flashcards extension to the Pleco app is totally worth the money.
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